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inside scoop: the final sopranos episode

you may not know of my cassandra-like abilities.

you may not be aware of my similarity to nostradamus.

i try to be modest about my ability to see the future through my dreams. i reveal this ability only when i know that i can do good by its revelation.

so, having dreamed of the ending to the sopranos last night, i’ve decided to let you in on the secret, so you can sleep nights yourself, and stop wondering.

and of course, this comes with a definite:

«spoiler alert»

and a definite:

«sick & twisted mind alert»

first up is tony. he’s on his way to surprise carmela for her birthday–she’s at the strip joint she works at now.

didn’t you know that? i guess she gets the job in the last episode.

anyway, tony looks at the marquee for the strip joint. damn! uma thurman is appearing tonight!

he’s pissed. parking is going to be a nightmare.

so he drives, and drives, and finally finds a parking space. he quickly locks his suv and dashes across the street toward the strip joint.

but no! he doesn’t make it! he’s hit by a car! he flies through the air and off the road.

but it’s not an accident. the car is driven by a horde of gypsies, and they quickly carry his body to a waiting tent, where they cut out tony’s vital organs to sell on the black market.

carmela is a different story. turns out she never made it to work at the strip club that day. she was at home, recovering from her brain surgery. to operate, they had to take off the entire top of her skull, from right above the ears. and afterwards they stitched it back on, but rather crudely.

she’s still a bit dizzy, evidently, because she stumbles and hits her head on the coffee table.

and the top of her head flies off.

she stands up, momentarily confused by what’s happened, and tries to feel the top of her head. of course, her fingers plunge into her grey matter.

not good. she immediately starts hallucinating. she sees all the people who have died on the sopranos before her. big pussy. adrianna. ralph. all of them, around a dining table.

she sits down at the table. and falls backwards, and dies.

then a dog comes up, and starts chowing down on her brain. and a few more, and pretty soon there’s a whole gaggle of dogs, munching away.

fade to black.

remember.

you heard it here first.