Category: humor

what’s your brazilname?

~ jamie ~ 3 Comments

if you played football (soccer for the u.s. crowd) for brazil, what would your name be?

the brazilian football name generator will tell you.

mine is “howeiro”.

this is much easier than figuring out your drag name, which involves remembering your first pet’s name and the street you grew up on, facts that anyone interested in their drag name has long ago repressed.

with this, you just type in your name, which hopefully you remember and can spell, and voila. or, for the illiterates populating the internets, viola. oh how that “viola” business irritates me.

anyway, generate away.

summer of crap

~ jamie ~ Leave a comment

i used to read more. i used to accomplish more. i used to tinker more. i used to explore more. i used to move more.

now i just watch tv.

it’s an addiction, you know. and boy am i addicted. and, to be honest, i probably don’t watch any more tv than i ever did. in fact, i probably watch less than i did when i lived in florida, where the year-round heat encourages indoor living and the tv is always there. at least in new york, you are forced by circumstance of living to get out and about every now and then. and so, i think maybe i watch less overall television.

but less is still too much. i have the nagging feeling, whenever i watch tv, that i should be accomplishing something constructive.

but i think this feeling comes more in the summer, when there really is nothing on tv but crap. with the exception of baseball, of course–watching baseball is never a waste of time. but the rest of it? at least in the fall, winter, and spring the tv programs are somewhat well-written, entertaining, and intelligent. lost. 24. desperate housewives. you know, scripted television.

the summer, though, is unscripted. and so last night, thanks to the tivo pvr thingy from the cable company, when there was nothing to watch on the 1000 channels we have, kirk and i could have a mini-“cash cab” marathon. followed by an live episode of “so you think you can dance”. because, of course, there was no baseball game due to it being the all-star break.

now don’t get me wrong. i like spending time with kirk, and i like hanging around the house, and i (at least on some level) like the shows we watch or we wouldn’t be watching them.

maybe this has to do with getting older, and feeling your mortality. but time is starting to really fly by for me, and though i enjoy the relaxing time i spend watching tv, there’s still that nagging feeling that i should be spending my time better. and, because i am at heart a very frugal person, it bugs me that i’m paying outrageous sums of money for 1000 tv channels and there’s nothing on worth watching, and i end up watching the same 6 channels all the time, mostly network tv.

maybe i should just unplug the tv altogether. or maybe i should just get an hdtv with a tuner built in, and drop the cable, and get dsl internet access. we hooked kirk’s mom up to dsl, and if she can use it without incident, i know we can.

i’ll think about all this some more tonight, while i watch the “so you think you can dance” results show.

march together for life

~ jamie ~ Leave a comment

the onion is a satirical newspaper whose goal is to present satirical content in a straightforward manner, so much so that their articles can be mistaken for real.

mistaken for real, that is, if you are a total idiot who has no concept of what satire is.

which, apparently, is the case with pete, the fellow running “march together for life”, a blog that espouses an anti-abortion perspective. good for him, as long as he isn’t publishing the home addresses of abortion doctors. everyone has an opinion, and with appropriate time-and-place restrictions, everyone should be able to voice their opinions in the forum of their choice.

i’m pro-choice that way, too. blog away, pete.

but realize, too, that the world really will beat a path to your door if you reveal yourself to be a monumental fool. pete, in this case, found an article at the onion site from 1999 entitled “i’m totally psyched about having this abortion”.

and raged about it in his blog, not realizing that the article was satire.

and then tried to justify the lunacy in his follow-up piece.

read the comments. they are priceless. here’s my personal favorite:

“I’m pro life, but sweet Jesus you’re an idiot. For your next post, how about a passionate speech on the need to immediately free Prince Albert from the can?
Boo | 07.08.06 – 12:24 am | # “

when you become so vitriolic and so committed to a cause that you lose your sense of humor when discussing your cause, you run the risk of falling over the precipice of reason into complete illogic and public ridicule. i’ve seen people like this when i worked with animal rights groups.

believe me, idiots like this are on both sides of the political spectrum.

it’s good to bring passion and fervor to your cause.

just don’t forget to bring the humor, perspective, and humility as well.

update: apparently the author removed the comments from the page. they are archived here.

i do not look like anita mui

~ jamie ~ Leave a comment

whoever the hell she is.

myheritage.com is a cool-ish new (new to me, anyway) geneaology website that has face-recognition software that, i suppose, is supposed to be useful in tracking down just who the hell that person in the back of that old photo is, or something.

but to attract mass amounts of users of the interweb, they let you upload a picture and they compare it to a database of celebrities, so that you know which famous person you resemble.

hypothetically speaking.

here are my results.

i do not look like anita mui. but, having read the title of this blog entry, you already know that.

i also do not look like dolph lundgren. or mustafa sandal, or kareena kapoor, if you ask me.

but i didn’t ask me. i asked myheritage.com–which is, if you ask me, sorely in need of an upgrade to their facial recognition software.

i guess the theory is that, as people upload and compare pictures, the software learns and gets better or something. i certainly hope, though, that some poor schlub doesn’t get told that he looks like jamie howard, queerspace.com’s famous webmaster.

nice try, myheritage. but no cigar from me.

not going to find it here

~ jamie ~ Leave a comment

this site is registered at google.com, so i can get lots of info about my site there. one of the most interesting pages is a list of the top search queries for my site, and where my site ranks in that query. when i need a laugh, i go look at the list. it amazes me what people search for.

here are some of the top search queries for my site. the link for each will click through to the google search.

» paolo nutini lyrics and its corollary, lyrics paolo nutini. there are no paolo nutini lyrics on my site. sorry. i saw him at the new york pops benefit, and i barely even remember what he looked like, let alone what he sang. i remember liking him, though. it’s odd to me that this is far and away the number one search result on my site. it’s even scarier that it’s the number one clickthrough as well. what must his fans think upon arriving at this particular little outpost?

» jamie’s lemon tart. i’m sorry. i don’t have a lemon tart. i must have eaten one and written about it, or at least mentioned “lemon” and “tart” in close proximity. but no recipes around here.

» jamie’s scottish evening. ooooooh la la. i’ll never divulge the secrets of my scottish evening, especially on the internets. seriously, i’ve never been to scotland, though kirk is dying to get me to edinburgh.

» jamie far. poor guy from m.a.s.h. nobody knows how to spell his last name. here’s a link, for you spelling-crippled queerspace arrivistes: jamie farr.

» jamie’s palm beach. this one confuses me a bit. is there a jamie somewhere who owns a beach laden with palms? is there a bar somewhere named “jamie’s palm beach”? is there a side to the city of palm beach that only a certain jamie is aware of?

» who sang da do ron ron recently? darlene love, according to my blog about the pops benefit. but i think she sang it originally, so that’s a bit misleading if you want to know anyone who sang it in the intervening 45 years. i should blog more about the new york pops, evidently.

you get the idea. i guess if i provided actual content instead of insane ramblings, my results would be better.

bird flu awareness night

~ jamie ~ 1 Comment

via gawker:

newark bears bird flu awareness night.

from the site:

Bird Flu Awareness Night featuting a pre-game chicken wing eating contest presented by Planet Wings and a Post-Game Fireworks Spectacular presented by Saint Barnabas Health Care System/Clara Maass Medical Center

bird flu awareness celebrated by a chicken-eating contest. this is pretty much the dictionary definition of irony, n’est-ce pas?

only in new jersey, says the manhattanite.

stealing my subway sub

~ jamie ~ Leave a comment

which, by the way, i didn’t do, but got accused of this morning.

i should explain.

i’m famous among those who know me for my even temper when dealing with customer service issues. i’m pretty good at getting what i want from customer service people, and the first rule of dealing with them is to never lose your temper. if you do, you give them an excuse to ignore you, hang up on you, or ask you to leave.

anyway, this morning i went on an errand to the post office, and took my subway stamps to get a free sub. it takes eight stamps to get a free sub, or what used to be a free sub but now they make you buy a drink for $1.25 which costs them next to nothing, so they probably break even on the sandwich. and they have stopped giving out stamps, but they are still honoring them.

and i had six stamps, and a card signed by an employee in the spaces where i would have had stamps, except that on that day they had run out of stamps, so they gave me that.

but as far as i was concerned, i had eight stamps.

just to be safe, i asked the counter person on the way in if they still took the stamps. yes, was the answer, but looking at what i brought in, the guy said, “we can’t take this, because it’s not all stamps.”

i explained that the store, this very store, was out of stamps that day, so this is what i got instead of stamps. he wouldn’t budge.

so i asked for the manager, and nicely reiterated my problem. her response?

“this isn’t an employee’s initials–you must have done this yourself.”

now, i’ve been accused of doing many things i didn’t do. and i’ve done tons of things i’m not proud of. but i guarantee you that i’m not going to forge a set of initials on a subway card to fraudently obtain a $5 sandwich i can afford any day of the week. and something about being accused of that, by an obviously idiotic store manager, just triggered a reaction.

i asked her, rather loudly i admit, if she was accusing me of trying to steal a $5 sandwich. she said nothing.

so, after a few awkward moments of silence, i let her have it. man did i really let her have it. it was about ten in the morning, so there were only a couple of employees. but they both stopped serving their customers to watch this guy tear their boss a new asshole.

and i did. i’m not especially proud of it.

who am i kidding? i’m damn proud of it. who does she think she is? suffice it to say she got a lecture on the proper way to deal with a customer, and a run down of all the dining options i had in the rock center concourse, and a detailed description of my recent visits and the sandwiches i had purchased, and the members of my family who were former subway employees (that would be my ex, caitlin), and other choice details too numerous to list. i didn’t curse, though. i know better.

it took me about two minutes, i’d guess. the guys behind the counter had smiles on their faces, so i’m guessing they can’t stand her either. i’m happy to have given them a couple of minutes of vicarious enjoyment.

my final question to her was, “do i get my sandwich or not?” knowing i wouldn’t–i know enough about customer service issues to know that i’d passed that point long ago. i got my no, and i walked out, leaving her with my six stamps and the signed card.

will i patronize subway in general again? of course–it’s a fine company and i like their sandwiches. they are a somewhat healthier alternative to crappy fast food. and each subway is franchisee-owned, so the problem i had here doesn’t carry over to other locations.

will i go to that particular subway franchise again?

what do you think? my high dudgeon will last quite a while.

a really catchy tune

~ jamie ~ Leave a comment

here’s a fun link: worst web design of 2005. lots of links to sites with monumentally bad design.

and i thought my site had problems.

my favorite is this one: the association of international glaucoma societies. you can even download their “glaucoma hymn”, which has to be heard to be believed.

or don’t download it, because it’s one of those annoying sites that automatically plays music in the background when you go there, so you’ll hear it anyway if you click on the link.

the “glaucoma hymn” is definitely going onto my ipod.

news in brief

~ jamie ~ Leave a comment

from an article on saddam hussein’s forced attendance at his trial:

“degradation and shame upon you, raouf,” saddam yelled. later, he called the investigating judges “homosexuals.”

saddam, you wacky gay-basher/closeted homosexual you.

from an article on show dogs braving the new york blizzard conditions:

…the 1969 blizzard created even more havoc. that was the year the esteemed walter goodman was seen carrying his prize skye terrier from [madison square] garden while his mother trudged behind.

when someone chided goodman about paying more attention to his dog than his mom, he supposedly said: “i’m not showing my mother.”

proving once again that you should never piss off a queen holding a small dog.

animated singing santa hack

~ jamie ~ 2 Comments

now this is the funniest thing i’ve seen in ages.

you know that ubiquitous 5-foot dancing talking santa they sell at wal-mart? well, this artist/hacker decided to reprogram it to, well…

let’s just say that santa has now been bent to this very creative guy’s will. at the artist’s request, i haven’t linked directly to the videos of santa in action, but the links are on the site and you have to watch them. i’m not going to spoil the fun, but they have to be seen to be believed.
Continue reading “animated singing santa hack” →

why didn’t you think of that?

~ jamie ~ Leave a comment

or, also, why didn’t i think of that?

this guy is trading up for items starting with a red paper clip, with the ultimate goal of trading for a house.

he’s already traded up to a snowmobile, and now the story is all over the internets and the media, so you just know this guy is eventually going to get his house.

as well he should. brilliant idea. you go, trading up to a house guy.

in other news…
Continue reading “why didn’t you think of that?” →